It's Not About the Food!!!

In which God's in His heaven and all's right with the world

2009-01-29T16:37:00.002-05:00

Hello if anyone is still out there. Here is an update:

I have over 80 lbs of physical recovery
I am working with a quote-unquote strict sponsor and my program is more structured than it has ever been. At some point I just got tired of chronic slips and relapses and got someone to kick my ass
I have over 100 days of back-to-back abstinence; I just got my 90 day chip
I am starting my 4th step inventory
I will start sponsoring in February
I feel kind of pink-cloudy because it's going really effortlessly
My husband came to the meeting where I got my 90 day chip, because he rocks
I work my program every day
I make alot of calls but not alot of people call me back
I don't write enough -- that would be a good thing to start doing more of
I commit my food Every.Single.Day. no matter what. Even if I have to call 4 times in a day (once for each meal)
I don't email my food or email my sponsor because she has no home computer. As a result, the "real time" phone and face to face contact is helping me more than the email contact did with previous sponsors
I completed a 90 in 90
I started going to AlAnon
I feel happier than I've ever felt in my life
I know what serenity is
I know what miracles are
I am working on giving it away, so that I can keep it

In which the work is hard but the miracles are many

2008-10-20T10:27:00.002-05:00

Hello, anyone who still checks this blog. I thought I'd provide an update. After my major relapse in 2006, where I thought I wasn't overeating, just eating what I wanted, and wound up gaining all my weight back and getting a fatty liver to boot -- I got a new sponsor and then got back on my food plan. I went through three sponsors in about a year because none of them were able to adequately help me work my program. I may own something in why these relationships didn't work, but I can't quite put my finger on it right now. Maybe I didn't make clear enough my expectations or ask enough questions about these people's sponsoring styles.

Anyway this strange thing happened, I shared in a meeting that my last sponsor could not take my food, but would still work the steps with me, and someone volunteered to take it. "Take my food" means that they would take a phone call or an email in the morning which stated what and how much food I was going to eat that day. So this person offers to take my food, and then the sponsor says she can't sponsor any more. On the same week, the other person lost a sponsee, so we agree that she's going to sponsor me. So this relationship fell in my lap.

I have to tell you this is really an exercise in "principles before personalities." She wasn't my closest friend in program or anything like that, in fact, often she rubs me the wrong way. But I have always respected her honesty and her strong recovery.

So, I wanted structure and I got it in spades. I had to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, which I just completed on Saturday. I have to make 3 phone calls per day. People in program who call me don't count! I have to commit my food, weigh and measure, and had to make some minor but important changes in my food plan. This is done by telephone because she doesn't have a computer at home. I have to meet with her every week to do step work. Again th is is person usually, not by phone or email. I find that all of this "real time" and "face to face" contact helps me immeasurably.

I was abstinent with frequent slips since 2006, and since July when I started working with this sponsor, I have had only one or two slips. Since 2006, I have lost 70 pounds. I feel I have another 30 to go, but that is really not up to me, it is up to HP.

Now that I am done with my 90 in 90, I am still being asked to go to 5 meetings per week. I am a little afraid of this, I was really looking forward to having some free time! I will do my best, and if it's not working for me, I will ask to change this. I am in full agreement though that working my program this hard is helping me stay abstinent.

Although I feel I have a relationship with my HP, I feel I need to work on this more and find ways to be in touch with it during the day, not just at my morning and evening prayers. I am so grateful for all of the changes that have taken place. People actually want to hang out with me now! I am thriving at work, and taking care of things around the house. I feel this is one of the "promises": "Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us."

Yesterday my husband was gone all day and I cleaned out my dresser and closet, getting rid of all the size 20s 18s and 16s. (I am wearing 10s and 12s right now, but kept the 14s anyway -- they don't look too baggy yet). I am very happy, I have a very full life, and I understand the importance of gratitude and handing my problems and difficulties over to a power greater than myself.

Thanks, HP and thanks OA!

Just in case you were wondering....

2008-06-20T12:27:00.004-05:00

For a long time --years-- I blogged about my weight loss struggle. I read and "blogrolled" many other weight loss bloggers, and found a lot of support, advice, and definitely an online community of like minded individuals.

Then I went back to OA, and tried to refocus a blog on recovery, instead of weight loss. I looked for a community of OA peeps online, and there were a few, but not many. I also got busy -- it became impossible to blog from work (which is what I had done previously), I got married, and my online community was replaced by my real-life OA community.

I worked the steps; I did not get abstinent. I had a meltdown in a meeting last fall and was going to leave OA. The next day someone from program came into my workplace. I was helping her find what she needed and she says to me, "Are you going to the meeting tonight?" It was a Monday night, and I had never been to the Monday night meeting. I should mention this woman was not at my weekend meeting where I had the meltdown; she had no idea I was fed up with OA. She had also never appeared at my workplace before -- and she hasn't come by since.

I went to the meeting. Someone I hadn't seen in a while was there and I asked her to be my new sponsor.

I now know I am in OA for good. I don't give a day to day blow by blow rundown of my eating follies and foibles on the blog. I don't chatter on to co-workers about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. I talk about OA stuff with my sponsor, my hub and other OA people. A couple of close friends might hear a little now and then, but mostly I do not talk about my recovery with "civilians."

My food isn't perfect; I still pick up refined carbs and sometimes deep fried food. But I haven't had a binge in a year. I've lost 50 ponds. 99% of food -related drama has been removed from my life.

I'm working my program to the best of my ability, and, as they say, "it works if you work it."

I'm not sure what I am going to do with this blog. I kind of want to keep it, rework it, but ... I dunno. And I don't have to decide today. I can wait until my HP makes it clear to me one way or the other. Thanks for reading.

In which we find our heroine somewhere in the middle of a new begining...

2007-09-14T15:08:00.001-05:00

The best of intentions.... I was suprised to see that the last time I posted was August 2. Where has the time gone? Late summer/early fall is a busy time of year for me.... and now September is halfway over. Things are settling down some, which is good.

I am still feeling pretty good, although having ups and downs. But the big news, is that I went out and got myself a new sponsor. I had finished step 12 with my old sponsor, and since step 9 had still been in the food. I looked to an online e-mail list for a sponsor, and I found one that is in a time zone an hour earlier than mine. In working with this sponsor, I have been abstinent since 9/5/07 -- thats 10 days! Woo hoo! This is a risky time for me, I am always a chronic relapser around 2 weeks. One day at a time, one day at a time....

I had a food dream last night. I dreamt that I went to a carnival and ate all that carnival food -- candy apples, fried dough, etc. etc. and then at the end of the day at the carnival, I realized that I had wanted to try to stick to a food plan, and forgot about it, and had broken my abstinence. I woke up in the morning feeling as guilty as if I had actually eaten the food.

Soon I will start working on Step 1 with my new sponsor. I'll try not to be so much of a stranger...

P.S. If you are a COE or Food Addict with a blog, let me know and I will post the link in the sidebar.

In which our heroine takes a break from travelling to blog

2007-08-02T17:49:00.001-05:00

I've been very busy in and out of town for the past few weeks. There was camping, and reclining by a pool, and next week will be more camping.

The reclining by the pool took place at a conference for my husband's work. His employer likes to have a 3-4 day getaway in some picturesque spot every summer, and they make the employees attend conference presentations all morning and schedule family events for the whole group in the afternoon and evening. So, mornings I got up with my hub -- i talked him into sunrise yoga that was being offered-- and then after breakfast did some work for my jobs and then when that was taken care of, I lounged by the pool until hub was ready.

I did not realize how well that recharged my batteries until I realized driving into work this morning I felt happy and relaxed for the first time in about a year. It just goes to show, I don't improve in my time -- I don't always know what it is that I need. But HP knows, and if I am surrendered, I will receive it when that HP ( I call my HP God sometimes, sometimes the Universe) feels that I am ready.

Now, my abstinence did suffer at this work conference. I did make some effort to stay on my food plan, but by the third buffet dinner I just caved. I could have made some calls or posted to my e-mail recovery list.

But I came back from the trip willing to go to the grocery store and stock up on the veggies and natural meats I need for my food plan. This morning, I got up early again and took a walk with my hub before work. If I get up tomorrow and exercise, that will make every day this week that I did some physical activity.

Next on my list: Get to a freaking MEETING!

In which all is quiet on the western front

2007-07-15T15:02:00.000-05:00

Denial is very sneaky. I convinced myself yesterday that a handful of potato chips eaten 1/2 hour after lunch was still a continuation of lunch (convinced isnt the right word. That implies some kind of effort undertaken for me to believe it -- which there wasn't. Rationalized maybe?). Then about an hour later when I was getting some ice tea, I saw some candy my hub had brought home from work, and since most of it was gone, I rationalized finishing it off. When my husband became hungry for dinner at a normal time, I wondered where the time had gone -- I had been updating my antivirus on my computer and the ridiculous process took about 3 - 4 hours. Boo says, "you're not hungry because you've been eating all afternoon!" I was very defensive and minimized what I had eaten. After all, the eating disorder scientists define a binge as 1,500 calories or more, and I probably had about 500 calories. Later that night, I realized this was denial. But I also realized something that an OA had said on an e-mail list I subscribe to... something to the effect of "We moved beyond the drama to a solution." So, today, I acknowledge that I overate. I do not get defensive. I acknowledge that the symptom of denial was manifest, making me think the snacks were harmless. Today, I move on. I go to a meeting, I talk to others, share my ups and downs, and commit to the next meal being abstinent.
There doesn't need to be histrionics, hand wringing or panic. Of course I overate; I am a compulsive overeater. What am I going to do today so that I don't step in that hole again?

In which distorted thinking is examined

2007-07-12T14:31:00.000-05:00

One of my three jobs is teaching a Library Science class at a nearby university. Every year, the students are able to submit course evaluations towards the end of the class. The instructor receives the results of those evaluations months and months later.

Monday, I received a printout of the evaluation responses from last spring's class. It had rows for the questions: 1 - 11. Just the numbers. It had columns for the answers: A-E. Just the letters. The sheet explaining what the questions were and how the rating scale was set up was not included. All of the responses I got, however, were D's and E's. I immediately assumed that the A thru E responses were like grades, with A being the highest and E being failing (i believe this campus uses E's instead of F's).

So, for about an hour on Monday I was kind of flipping out. I thought, "Dammit I work so hard on that class, this class seemed positive and responsive to my instruction style, I am *not* doing this again even if they ask me, which they won't because I got D's and E's..." etc.

I recognized what I was doing. I was immediatley going into "I suck" mode based on a guess of what the answers meant. I soon saw that I was getting ahead of myself --I needed to see the evaluation questions before I knew the characteristics of the evaluations; but I wasn't able to stop the monkey chatter in my head.

Program teaches me not to sit in an isolated pool of worry and self doubt. Instead, we are to reach out, ask for help, and extend help to others. I called my friend who works at the University who is also an OA. She is an administrator, but she knows the drill. She gave me feedback that those evaluation forms don't usually come back all unsatisfactory. They come back with responses either all over the map (polarized) or all consistently good or pretty good. Last summer when I taught, I got one of those polarized evaluations. When I was done venting, she shared some of the b.s. that she is dealing with in her life. I gave her my perspective. She too was in "i suck" mode. We were able to support each other and mollify each other's anxieties.
Asked for help? Check. Extended help to others? Check. HP speaking to me through my administrator friend? Check. HP showing me I am not a complete fuckup by being able to offer her advice as well? Check.

Finally, today, I received the questions. The answers were a scale with "A" being "Strongly Disagree" and "E" being "Strongly Agree" . The questiosn were all things you would want people to agree with, like: "Professor is consistently prepared for class." "Professor has command of the subject matter." So my students (granted, only 5 students), all either agreed or strongly agreed with positive comments about my instruction capabilities.

Today I ask HP to help me recognize my thinking that is a distorted self image manifesting itself, and run those distortions by others to gain outside perspective.

In which preparations are made for the week ahead

2007-07-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

Starting to feel a little bit better than I did even last week. I had salad stuff that I hadn't made a salad with in the fridge. I've been buying the stuff all along, and then letting it wilt or rot while I get crap food for lunch. Just not into making a salad. Anyway, we needed lunch today and we are poor this weekend (from doing alot of landscaping the past two weeks: bricks and pea gravel and mulch all adds up, and then we bought flowers and a solar powered windmill -- it looks better than it sounds)... so my hub didn't want to do our recent habit of getting paninis or subs for lunch. So, I made up my mind to use the salad stuff if it wasn't spoiled. It was still ok, so I made salad and then put lunch meat turkey and ham and cheddar over the top, like a chef salad. Lunch meat is not ideal for me because they put alot of non meat in that meat, but it was the first time I made a big salad in months and months. I made a balsamic-olive oil-dijon-herb dressing.

It felt good chopping all the veggies. It felt good whisking the oil and vinegar and mustard. It felt good lingering over the salad for lunch and my husband happily eating something healthy. It was a choice, not an obligation. Something I wanted to do.

Later, I was pooped, and had to go grocery shopping. I wanted to get a mani/pedi also. So i went to the cheapie nail salon in the same plaza as the grocery store. Man, they always try to upsell you on the gel or acrylic or tips. Mostly I just want my nails shaped and my cuticles trimmed. Anyway, it was relaxing in there, and when I went to the supermarket, I was happily filling my cart with fruits and veggies, and not begrudgingly doing it. I thought about getting one or two of those bag dinners to have in case i lose energy this week, but I realized my hub was going to light the grill tonight. We use charcoal, and the strategy is always to grill as much as humanly possible for as long as the coals last. We'll just reheat grilled meat all week. No muss, no fuss.

I had a dream last night about work, my old job, and about the boyfriend I had at that time. My subconscious was telling me what i suspected about that situaton was true (that the boyfriend may have been encouraged by my boss at the time to date me -- long story, don't ask). I felt relaxed this morning, like it doesn't matter what the facts are surrounding all the secrecy at my old job. I'm never really going to know for sure what was going on behind the scenes. My suspicions are good enough.

What matters is that I have leftover feelings of being not included, of being left out, of being disregarded. These feelings translate into all of my affairs with other people: my current jobs, my friendships, OA. That's my so-called character defect - a kind of low self esteem, self pity, non assertive kind of thing.

I saw that movie Evan Almighty last night, and Morgan Freeman, who played god was saying. God doesn't give you patience, he gives you opportunities to be patient. It may be totally stupid to use messages in a forgettable movie as a rationalization for behavior, but nonetheless, I am going to look for opportnities to be confident, take care of myself, and assert myself. We'll see how it goes.

In which things seem to be looking up

2007-07-05T13:32:00.000-05:00

Hello, I am not sure what I am going to write today. When I first started blogging, I would put alot of thought into the posts and edit them and think of clever ways of phrasing; etc. I really took the writing part seriously. This new incarnation, I am just trying to write from the heart. I still worry a bit about grammar, but except for correcting some typos, what you see is basically my first pass at the post.

I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July. It rained all day here in upstate New York, so we skipped out on fireworks. We did have plans to get together for a meal with some neighbors. The wife is also in OA, and is maintaining a significant weight loss. Another couple, friends of the first couple, came as well. The wife of that couple does something like FA or OA HOW or some more stringent 12 step food recovery plan. So, when the barbecue came to the table there was a scale and measuring cups passed around along with the food.

I felt a bit out of place, because my ideal food plan requires me to *not* measure food. This is because before recovery, I had a compulsive behavior of measuring and counting calories, but using it as a justification to eat crap. Longtime readers will recall that my current dinner is to be this: 1/2 plate of vegetables, 1/4 plate lean protein and 1/4 plate whole grain carb.

This works very well for me, but I have been using the justification lately that Roseanne, the woman who started OA, defined abstinence as "three meals and nothing in between." I have been telling myself that the "three meals" can be anything as long as they are "moderate." For me this has proven to be a load of horse shit, as my "moderate" eating has caused me to gain 40 pounds.

Anyway, seeing my friends weigh and measure their whole foods made me a little bit more willing to do the divided plate thing once again. Both of them have long term success with their food plans. I *know* I feel better and have more energy when I eat whole foods and limit the processed crap. I *know* I am fuller when I eat a whole plate of healthy food than when I eat a bag of potato chips. I can do this, with the help of my friends in OA and my higher power.

In which our heroine wonders if anyone is out there?

2007-06-27T12:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in 6 months. It is really hard to believe it has been that long. I have been slowly going through the steps by my workbook, and i have just begun step12. That's the one where you reach out to others and share the benefits of the 12 steps. I was thinking that if someone reads my blog and decides OA is for them, that might be a form of step 12.

However, I feel I am not a good enough "poster child" for recovery. I have been a chronic relapser, and since July 2006, when I tried to go off my antidepressants, I have slowly gained 40 pounds. I was blaming depression, but I have been back on my meds since October.

Although my food is kind of in the crapper - and exercise is nonexistent, which I think is a big part of this gain-- I have not given up hope that working the 12 steps will help me recover not only physically but spiritually and mentally.

And I have seen tremendous spiritual recovery. It's the emotional and the physical that are struggling now. They feed on themselves, I was depressed so I didnt have energy to do a proper food plan and exercise, and lack of healthy food and exercise decreased my energy level and lowered my mood.

At this point I am going to check with my health provider to see if my meds need adjustment. I have the willingness to do the things I need to do, but I don't seem to have the follow-through to put the willingness into the ability to do what I need to do.

I am going to try not to make it a 6 month gap between now and next posting. Thanks so much for the encouraging comments back in January.

In which nothing much seems to happen

2007-01-19T17:28:00.000-05:00

I am trying to get back into blogging, and yet I feel nothing significant has occurred for me to write about. I am supposed to be doing a 10th step review of every day. I had emailed my sponsor about it and asked for some guidance on how best to do that. But I haven't heard from my sponsor in several days. I know he has some child custody issues, and perhaps that is keeping him busy.

There are some things at my morning job I haven't been very good at turning over. I ate over them today. Bah.

I teach my class starting Monday. I am almost prepared, but I have to come in to work anyway on Saturday so I will shore everything up for Monday then.

I just feel like I am not moving forward. I guess the good thing is that I am not moving backward?

In which there is an awakening and a moving forward.

2007-01-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

I have finally finished my amends. I had an indirect amends to do to a bunch of people that I don't remember their last names or their name is so common i have no way of getting their contact information from the internet. I wrote out the amends on slips of paper, and then pulled each one out of a pocket, one at a time, said a prayer over the person and made amends in my heart, and then burnt the slip in a metal bowl. Outdoors. In the cold, and the wind. The next day, the ice storm came.

My sponsor tells me that one has a spiritual awakening after completing step 9. All I know is that in the middle of my amends I had the antidepressant fiasco, and a relapse. I have been getting back on track, but today two pairs of pants did not fit me. Now I may be retaining water which is why they don't fit all of a sudden, but when I was fitting into a size smaller last summer this is not heartening news.

I started emailing my food to my sponsor again. I think letting someone else (who knows what this disease is like) know of my food for the day keeps me accountable. My goal for the week is to make it to the gym the rest of the weekdays. I didnt go yesterday because of the ice storm, but I did go today.

My sponsor gave me something to read in the Big Book, and then I have to do some writing. I am asking to be willing tonight.

In which some simple truths are revealed

2007-01-09T08:12:00.000-05:00

One of my libraries focuses on health care resources. Very popular in the health care field right now is a thing called "evidence based medicine." What this term means, is that we can assume things work by testing them. If scientific results show the desired outcome, then we can assume, by the evidence, that the treatment is effective or not effective.

While I don't have large, scientific studies for my own behaviors, I can use my own evidence to show me what I should and should not be doing. When I ate on my food plan, exercised regularly, managed my stress and worked the steps, I lost 30 pounds. When I stopped taking my antidepressant, I was unable to eat on my food plan, wake up in the morning to exercise, or manage my stress. As a result, from July to October, I gained 15 pounds. Getting back on my anti-depressant has meant crawling out of this hole in my lifestyle -- it is more than just my weight, it is my entire well being that has suffered. Evidence based self care has shown me what I need to do to keep my life in balance.

Usually for the New Year, I try to set some goals, and review my goals from last year. I don't think I achieved any of my goals from last year -- they were things like, take nutritional supplements, publish a peer reviewed article, benchmarks for exercise, etc. I did make progress on all of those things, however.

The "Big Book" talks about people who make alot of resolutions, but no decisions. Here is what I have decided to do this year:

(1) Work the steps
(2) Excersise to the best of my ability
(3) Eat what my body tells me to eat
(4) Manage my stress through yoga and meditation
(5) Work on improving my relationships with other people
(6) Manage my finances responsibly
(7) Manage my professional tasks responsibly

I guess this can all be boiled down to:

I will do what I know works for me.

In which our heroine talks to a tree

2006-10-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

I have been calming down and feeling less negative. My food is back on track. And I got up a little early yesterday, and remembered to do something I have been putting off. I have finished most of my direct amends, and I need to do some indirect amends. A couple of weeks ago I had drafted a letter to a group of people who I harmed. I don't know most of their first names and none of their last names, so I can't really track them down without injuring someone else. Anyway, I had written them a letter, and my sponsor said, "What are you going to do with it?" So I asked HP, because I had kind of thought just emailing it to my sponsor was enough. I asked HP, and a gut instinct came back to me: "Read it out loud to a tree." Um. Ok.

So I was having all these negativity issues, and feeling really super dorky and like this program is a waste of my time. I did not read it to the tree. Even though I had a felt sense of exactly what tree to read to. It just felt... dumb. I would write my food in to my sponsor every morning and occasionally, he would ask, "have you read to that tree yet?" No. So anyway, for whatever reason, I was in the computer room yesterday morning, and it occurred to me I could print out the letter and read it to the tree before going to work. So, I did. And i felt like a fruitcake; and had to tell myself no neighbors were paying attention to me -- surely, they were all getting ready for work and not looking out the windows.

Did I mention, the tree had all changed colors: its leaves were a stunning crimson. It took my breath away.

So today, I pause on that gift. Tomorrow I work on my next, and second to last amend.

In which our heroine has some realizations

2006-10-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I am still struggling, but I am not overeating. I have to say, I like my food plan. I feel good when I eat according to my food plan. It gives me structure and the balance of nutritional food in it gives me energy and clears my brain.
I do not know if it is abstinence that I am having a problem with. I think what is going on is I dont want to be a "leader" in OA. I hated going to that Tuesday meeting because I had become one of the "experienced old timers" and others were relying on me. My sponsees relied on me, and I felt like I didnt know where the boundaries were in terms of sharing experience strength and hope versus providing advice (for non OA readers, sharing "esh" is good, giving advice is bad). So, I have been doing online meetings on Tuesday nights instead of going to a face to face meeting. On Saturday I will decide if I am going to the Sunday meeting. No need to worry about that day today, it is not here.

Another issue that may be part of this is the antidepressant question. Loyal readers may remember that I searched most of Summer 2004-Fall 2005 for a new psychiatrist, because I wanted to work off my antidepressant medication that I had been taking for 10 years. I am 6 months off of one medication, and that is when it is all out of your system. I have to ask myself if the problems I have been experiencing since July are partly due to being off the medication. My new psychiatrist said that the wellbutrin can make you "less sensitive" and I am wicked feeling "more" sensitive. The good news is there are other options if I do not want to be on this medication. I have emailed my naturopath, and my therapist (not my psychiatrist -- gosh, so many damn health providers!) has given me the name of a homeopath who may also help.

So, the realization is this: there are always options. I am always in a room with several doors. I just need to rely on the higher power of my choosing (which in my case is some vague Universe type energy source thing) to guide me to a key.

In which our heroine apologises for the lack of regular correspondence

2006-10-16T14:41:00.000-05:00

Im' sorry. I've been lax. I am still having committment issues to blogging despite my revamped look and title. Monday is a good day to start things, so here is a post that catches you up.

I feel I have lost my committment to abstinence. As a result I told my sponsees that I am unable to sponsor them, and they should seek new sponsors. I feel disingenuous sponsoring them, when I don't have enough abstinence to give them suggestions for when they lose theirs. I can now see that I have been in relapse at least since I was teaching my class this summer, despite much progress -- I have been doing better than I did before I came to program, but I am not committed to abstaining from compulsive overeating.

The way I have been sponsoring, I have had contact with my sponsees every day, and work the step that they are on as well as working a step with my own sponsor. I have used this work with my sponsees as a reason not to continue on with my step 9 amends. I need to do those amends and move on to step 10.

I am nervous about an impending amend. I will talk it over with my ever-helpful sponsor, who says to save it to the last one, anyway.

I have neglected many facets to my program that enabled me to be successful: going to meetings, sticking to the food I commit to in the morning, exercising, blogging. I am going to focus on getting those items back. This week, I am focused on: getting up early in the morning with an effort to work back towards getting to the gym. Blogging today, but not committing to any schedule with that just yet. Planning my food and eating the food I plan. Working step 9, and maybe making some calls this week. An online meeting.

I know what to do, it's all there in my head. I just have to be willing.

In which an amends becomes something to obsess over...or not?

2006-09-22T15:23:00.000-05:00

I am nearing the end of step 9, where I make amends to people. Most of the people I have made amends to have been very good to me. A large number of them told me no amends were necessary and they were glad we had moved beyond whatever issue and stayed friends, etc.

Last night's amends had some of that element, but the person I was making amends to said "I am suprised you are making amends for THAT THING THAT HAPPENED when there are probably other things that happened that hurt me worse." Or words to that effect: basically that I was making amends for the wrong thing. When I asked this person what things I should be making amends for, because I am happy to do it, the person said, "E., don't pick at a scab." And then went on with the usual "no amends needed" stuff as mentioned in paragraph one of this post.

It's not about the person's reaction to my attempt at amends. It is my sincerity in offering amends and restitution that counts. What the other person says or does is up to HP. But I am finding myself kind of obsessing about it today, and monkey mind is thinking I should send him a follow up email, etc etc.

But I think I am just going to try to (1) not eat over it; and (2) leave it up to my own HP. Hey! HP ~ are you listening? Do i need to do anything about this? Let me know please... thanks~

In which our heroine makes an observation unrelated to recovery...

2006-09-18T13:27:00.000-05:00

I figured out what the ESPN pregame show is.... you know, the thing on before football on Sunday with a bunch of jocks talking over each other?

It's "The View" for men.

In which the concept of the blog is introduced, and my story begins continues...

2006-09-15T06:46:00.000-05:00

The purpose of this blog is to share my story, especially my OA recovery from compulsive overeating. In the 2-plus years since I started blogging, I have come to discover that being overweight is a symptom of other issues, it is NOT the root problem. All the calorie counting, weighing and measuring, exercise goals and weekly weight loss targets do me no good. This is because my problem is spiritual: I feel isolated from my fellow human beings and a higher power. I feel different from them.

What the OA program has given me since 2005 (well really since I first attended an OA meeting in 1999), is a sense of belonging, and a sense of working on issues that have plagued me since childhood.

So, although I want to lose weight, my weight will not be posted for everyone to see. I will not talk much about my food plan, or my exercise plan, although I have them. Instead, I will talk about what is going on in my head, how I am relating to the people in my life and to my Higher Power.

In this way, I hope to utilize the writing tool on a regular basis. If you've come here from my old blog, welcome. I hope you enjoy this new approach. I expect, however that I will lose alot of the old readers. But that is not in my control. I may also gain some new ones. Whether you've been with me since 2004 or just happened upon this blog today, I welcome you to my new online home. It's got the basics but it's lacking some furniture and amenities which I hope to put into place in the coming weeks. I hope you'll check back often, and I welcome your comments.