In which preparations are made for the week ahead

Starting to feel a little bit better than I did even last week. I had salad stuff that I hadn't made a salad with in the fridge. I've been buying the stuff all along, and then letting it wilt or rot while I get crap food for lunch. Just not into making a salad. Anyway, we needed lunch today and we are poor this weekend (from doing alot of landscaping the past two weeks: bricks and pea gravel and mulch all adds up, and then we bought flowers and a solar powered windmill -- it looks better than it sounds)... so my hub didn't want to do our recent habit of getting paninis or subs for lunch. So, I made up my mind to use the salad stuff if it wasn't spoiled. It was still ok, so I made salad and then put lunch meat turkey and ham and cheddar over the top, like a chef salad. Lunch meat is not ideal for me because they put alot of non meat in that meat, but it was the first time I made a big salad in months and months. I made a balsamic-olive oil-dijon-herb dressing.

It felt good chopping all the veggies. It felt good whisking the oil and vinegar and mustard. It felt good lingering over the salad for lunch and my husband happily eating something healthy. It was a choice, not an obligation. Something I wanted to do.

Later, I was pooped, and had to go grocery shopping. I wanted to get a mani/pedi also. So i went to the cheapie nail salon in the same plaza as the grocery store. Man, they always try to upsell you on the gel or acrylic or tips. Mostly I just want my nails shaped and my cuticles trimmed. Anyway, it was relaxing in there, and when I went to the supermarket, I was happily filling my cart with fruits and veggies, and not begrudgingly doing it. I thought about getting one or two of those bag dinners to have in case i lose energy this week, but I realized my hub was going to light the grill tonight. We use charcoal, and the strategy is always to grill as much as humanly possible for as long as the coals last. We'll just reheat grilled meat all week. No muss, no fuss.

I had a dream last night about work, my old job, and about the boyfriend I had at that time. My subconscious was telling me what i suspected about that situaton was true (that the boyfriend may have been encouraged by my boss at the time to date me -- long story, don't ask). I felt relaxed this morning, like it doesn't matter what the facts are surrounding all the secrecy at my old job. I'm never really going to know for sure what was going on behind the scenes. My suspicions are good enough.

What matters is that I have leftover feelings of being not included, of being left out, of being disregarded. These feelings translate into all of my affairs with other people: my current jobs, my friendships, OA. That's my so-called character defect - a kind of low self esteem, self pity, non assertive kind of thing.

I saw that movie Evan Almighty last night, and Morgan Freeman, who played god was saying. God doesn't give you patience, he gives you opportunities to be patient. It may be totally stupid to use messages in a forgettable movie as a rationalization for behavior, but nonetheless, I am going to look for opportnities to be confident, take care of myself, and assert myself. We'll see how it goes.