I am nearing the end of step 9, where I make amends to people. Most of the people I have made amends to have been very good to me. A large number of them told me no amends were necessary and they were glad we had moved beyond whatever issue and stayed friends, etc.
Last night's amends had some of that element, but the person I was making amends to said "I am suprised you are making amends for THAT THING THAT HAPPENED when there are probably other things that happened that hurt me worse." Or words to that effect: basically that I was making amends for the wrong thing. When I asked this person what things I should be making amends for, because I am happy to do it, the person said, "E., don't pick at a scab." And then went on with the usual "no amends needed" stuff as mentioned in paragraph one of this post.
It's not about the person's reaction to my attempt at amends. It is my sincerity in offering amends and restitution that counts. What the other person says or does is up to HP. But I am finding myself kind of obsessing about it today, and monkey mind is thinking I should send him a follow up email, etc etc.
But I think I am just going to try to (1) not eat over it; and (2) leave it up to my own HP. Hey! HP ~ are you listening? Do i need to do anything about this? Let me know please... thanks~
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2 comments:
Did you ever see the Seinfeld where a friend of George's is going through AA, and is making amends with people. George feels slighted with the apology that he gets.
You did your best. The fact that your friend brought up that you should be apologizing for something different and then didn't even mention what it was is a little odd.
Things effect people in different ways. Maybe something you think didn't matter, really mattered to them.
But, there isn't anything you can do. Obviously the person doesn't feel too strongly about it, or they would have gone into more detail.
To pick up on the previous comment, even if the person DID feeling strongly about it, they are obviously not able or willing to talk openly about it. And it's not your job to make them do that. The amends process is obviously easiest when the targets (so to speak) are cooperative, but this sounds like a great test case for really trusting your HP and understanding the limits of your power in the world. You did the right thing, and while you can make a space in which you hope your friend will open up to you, you don't have to make it happen for them. Congrats on doing so well so far!
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