In which our heroine talks to a tree

I have been calming down and feeling less negative. My food is back on track. And I got up a little early yesterday, and remembered to do something I have been putting off. I have finished most of my direct amends, and I need to do some indirect amends. A couple of weeks ago I had drafted a letter to a group of people who I harmed. I don't know most of their first names and none of their last names, so I can't really track them down without injuring someone else. Anyway, I had written them a letter, and my sponsor said, "What are you going to do with it?" So I asked HP, because I had kind of thought just emailing it to my sponsor was enough. I asked HP, and a gut instinct came back to me: "Read it out loud to a tree." Um. Ok.

So I was having all these negativity issues, and feeling really super dorky and like this program is a waste of my time. I did not read it to the tree. Even though I had a felt sense of exactly what tree to read to. It just felt... dumb. I would write my food in to my sponsor every morning and occasionally, he would ask, "have you read to that tree yet?" No. So anyway, for whatever reason, I was in the computer room yesterday morning, and it occurred to me I could print out the letter and read it to the tree before going to work. So, I did. And i felt like a fruitcake; and had to tell myself no neighbors were paying attention to me -- surely, they were all getting ready for work and not looking out the windows.

Did I mention, the tree had all changed colors: its leaves were a stunning crimson. It took my breath away.

So today, I pause on that gift. Tomorrow I work on my next, and second to last amend.

In which our heroine has some realizations

I had an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I am still struggling, but I am not overeating. I have to say, I like my food plan. I feel good when I eat according to my food plan. It gives me structure and the balance of nutritional food in it gives me energy and clears my brain.
I do not know if it is abstinence that I am having a problem with. I think what is going on is I dont want to be a "leader" in OA. I hated going to that Tuesday meeting because I had become one of the "experienced old timers" and others were relying on me. My sponsees relied on me, and I felt like I didnt know where the boundaries were in terms of sharing experience strength and hope versus providing advice (for non OA readers, sharing "esh" is good, giving advice is bad). So, I have been doing online meetings on Tuesday nights instead of going to a face to face meeting. On Saturday I will decide if I am going to the Sunday meeting. No need to worry about that day today, it is not here.

Another issue that may be part of this is the antidepressant question. Loyal readers may remember that I searched most of Summer 2004-Fall 2005 for a new psychiatrist, because I wanted to work off my antidepressant medication that I had been taking for 10 years. I am 6 months off of one medication, and that is when it is all out of your system. I have to ask myself if the problems I have been experiencing since July are partly due to being off the medication. My new psychiatrist said that the wellbutrin can make you "less sensitive" and I am wicked feeling "more" sensitive. The good news is there are other options if I do not want to be on this medication. I have emailed my naturopath, and my therapist (not my psychiatrist -- gosh, so many damn health providers!) has given me the name of a homeopath who may also help.

So, the realization is this: there are always options. I am always in a room with several doors. I just need to rely on the higher power of my choosing (which in my case is some vague Universe type energy source thing) to guide me to a key.

In which our heroine apologises for the lack of regular correspondence

Im' sorry. I've been lax. I am still having committment issues to blogging despite my revamped look and title. Monday is a good day to start things, so here is a post that catches you up.

I feel I have lost my committment to abstinence. As a result I told my sponsees that I am unable to sponsor them, and they should seek new sponsors. I feel disingenuous sponsoring them, when I don't have enough abstinence to give them suggestions for when they lose theirs. I can now see that I have been in relapse at least since I was teaching my class this summer, despite much progress -- I have been doing better than I did before I came to program, but I am not committed to abstaining from compulsive overeating.

The way I have been sponsoring, I have had contact with my sponsees every day, and work the step that they are on as well as working a step with my own sponsor. I have used this work with my sponsees as a reason not to continue on with my step 9 amends. I need to do those amends and move on to step 10.

I am nervous about an impending amend. I will talk it over with my ever-helpful sponsor, who says to save it to the last one, anyway.

I have neglected many facets to my program that enabled me to be successful: going to meetings, sticking to the food I commit to in the morning, exercising, blogging. I am going to focus on getting those items back. This week, I am focused on: getting up early in the morning with an effort to work back towards getting to the gym. Blogging today, but not committing to any schedule with that just yet. Planning my food and eating the food I plan. Working step 9, and maybe making some calls this week. An online meeting.

I know what to do, it's all there in my head. I just have to be willing.

In which an amends becomes something to obsess over...or not?

I am nearing the end of step 9, where I make amends to people. Most of the people I have made amends to have been very good to me. A large number of them told me no amends were necessary and they were glad we had moved beyond whatever issue and stayed friends, etc.

Last night's amends had some of that element, but the person I was making amends to said "I am suprised you are making amends for THAT THING THAT HAPPENED when there are probably other things that happened that hurt me worse." Or words to that effect: basically that I was making amends for the wrong thing. When I asked this person what things I should be making amends for, because I am happy to do it, the person said, "E., don't pick at a scab." And then went on with the usual "no amends needed" stuff as mentioned in paragraph one of this post.

It's not about the person's reaction to my attempt at amends. It is my sincerity in offering amends and restitution that counts. What the other person says or does is up to HP. But I am finding myself kind of obsessing about it today, and monkey mind is thinking I should send him a follow up email, etc etc.

But I think I am just going to try to (1) not eat over it; and (2) leave it up to my own HP. Hey! HP ~ are you listening? Do i need to do anything about this? Let me know please... thanks~

In which our heroine makes an observation unrelated to recovery...

I figured out what the ESPN pregame show is.... you know, the thing on before football on Sunday with a bunch of jocks talking over each other?

It's "The View" for men.

In which the concept of the blog is introduced, and my story begins continues...

The purpose of this blog is to share my story, especially my OA recovery from compulsive overeating. In the 2-plus years since I started blogging, I have come to discover that being overweight is a symptom of other issues, it is NOT the root problem. All the calorie counting, weighing and measuring, exercise goals and weekly weight loss targets do me no good. This is because my problem is spiritual: I feel isolated from my fellow human beings and a higher power. I feel different from them.

What the OA program has given me since 2005 (well really since I first attended an OA meeting in 1999), is a sense of belonging, and a sense of working on issues that have plagued me since childhood.

So, although I want to lose weight, my weight will not be posted for everyone to see. I will not talk much about my food plan, or my exercise plan, although I have them. Instead, I will talk about what is going on in my head, how I am relating to the people in my life and to my Higher Power.

In this way, I hope to utilize the writing tool on a regular basis. If you've come here from my old blog, welcome. I hope you enjoy this new approach. I expect, however that I will lose alot of the old readers. But that is not in my control. I may also gain some new ones. Whether you've been with me since 2004 or just happened upon this blog today, I welcome you to my new online home. It's got the basics but it's lacking some furniture and amenities which I hope to put into place in the coming weeks. I hope you'll check back often, and I welcome your comments.