I had an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I am still struggling, but I am not overeating. I have to say, I like my food plan. I feel good when I eat according to my food plan. It gives me structure and the balance of nutritional food in it gives me energy and clears my brain.
I do not know if it is abstinence that I am having a problem with. I think what is going on is I dont want to be a "leader" in OA. I hated going to that Tuesday meeting because I had become one of the "experienced old timers" and others were relying on me. My sponsees relied on me, and I felt like I didnt know where the boundaries were in terms of sharing experience strength and hope versus providing advice (for non OA readers, sharing "esh" is good, giving advice is bad). So, I have been doing online meetings on Tuesday nights instead of going to a face to face meeting. On Saturday I will decide if I am going to the Sunday meeting. No need to worry about that day today, it is not here.
Another issue that may be part of this is the antidepressant question. Loyal readers may remember that I searched most of Summer 2004-Fall 2005 for a new psychiatrist, because I wanted to work off my antidepressant medication that I had been taking for 10 years. I am 6 months off of one medication, and that is when it is all out of your system. I have to ask myself if the problems I have been experiencing since July are partly due to being off the medication. My new psychiatrist said that the wellbutrin can make you "less sensitive" and I am wicked feeling "more" sensitive. The good news is there are other options if I do not want to be on this medication. I have emailed my naturopath, and my therapist (not my psychiatrist -- gosh, so many damn health providers!) has given me the name of a homeopath who may also help.
So, the realization is this: there are always options. I am always in a room with several doors. I just need to rely on the higher power of my choosing (which in my case is some vague Universe type energy source thing) to guide me to a key.
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I always relate to you. Now that I have three sponsees, I've been struggling with the boundaries as well as feelings of guilt. I can't believe these people want *me* to help them. I tell them to call me at minimum once a week, yet I haven't talked to my sponsor in about 10 days.
Giving unsolicited advise is one of my defects. When a sponsee asks me what they should do about something that isn't directly program I panic. (yes, I know, everything is program) I can't give advise about medical conditions or employment, I'm just supposed to share how I worked the steps. So I struggle with wanting to help fix everything and wanting to be a good sponsor.
I am on Welbutrin, as well as two other anti-depressents. I think they are working, but fall is always my hardest time. So it could be a touch of seasonal depression too.
Hang in there!
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