The best of intentions.... I was suprised to see that the last time I posted was August 2. Where has the time gone? Late summer/early fall is a busy time of year for me.... and now September is halfway over. Things are settling down some, which is good.
I am still feeling pretty good, although having ups and downs. But the big news, is that I went out and got myself a new sponsor. I had finished step 12 with my old sponsor, and since step 9 had still been in the food. I looked to an online e-mail list for a sponsor, and I found one that is in a time zone an hour earlier than mine. In working with this sponsor, I have been abstinent since 9/5/07 -- thats 10 days! Woo hoo! This is a risky time for me, I am always a chronic relapser around 2 weeks. One day at a time, one day at a time....
I had a food dream last night. I dreamt that I went to a carnival and ate all that carnival food -- candy apples, fried dough, etc. etc. and then at the end of the day at the carnival, I realized that I had wanted to try to stick to a food plan, and forgot about it, and had broken my abstinence. I woke up in the morning feeling as guilty as if I had actually eaten the food.
Soon I will start working on Step 1 with my new sponsor. I'll try not to be so much of a stranger...
P.S. If you are a COE or Food Addict with a blog, let me know and I will post the link in the sidebar.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
In which our heroine takes a break from travelling to blog
I've been very busy in and out of town for the past few weeks. There was camping, and reclining by a pool, and next week will be more camping.
The reclining by the pool took place at a conference for my husband's work. His employer likes to have a 3-4 day getaway in some picturesque spot every summer, and they make the employees attend conference presentations all morning and schedule family events for the whole group in the afternoon and evening. So, mornings I got up with my hub -- i talked him into sunrise yoga that was being offered-- and then after breakfast did some work for my jobs and then when that was taken care of, I lounged by the pool until hub was ready.
I did not realize how well that recharged my batteries until I realized driving into work this morning I felt happy and relaxed for the first time in about a year. It just goes to show, I don't improve in my time -- I don't always know what it is that I need. But HP knows, and if I am surrendered, I will receive it when that HP ( I call my HP God sometimes, sometimes the Universe) feels that I am ready.
Now, my abstinence did suffer at this work conference. I did make some effort to stay on my food plan, but by the third buffet dinner I just caved. I could have made some calls or posted to my e-mail recovery list.
But I came back from the trip willing to go to the grocery store and stock up on the veggies and natural meats I need for my food plan. This morning, I got up early again and took a walk with my hub before work. If I get up tomorrow and exercise, that will make every day this week that I did some physical activity.
Next on my list: Get to a freaking MEETING!
The reclining by the pool took place at a conference for my husband's work. His employer likes to have a 3-4 day getaway in some picturesque spot every summer, and they make the employees attend conference presentations all morning and schedule family events for the whole group in the afternoon and evening. So, mornings I got up with my hub -- i talked him into sunrise yoga that was being offered-- and then after breakfast did some work for my jobs and then when that was taken care of, I lounged by the pool until hub was ready.
I did not realize how well that recharged my batteries until I realized driving into work this morning I felt happy and relaxed for the first time in about a year. It just goes to show, I don't improve in my time -- I don't always know what it is that I need. But HP knows, and if I am surrendered, I will receive it when that HP ( I call my HP God sometimes, sometimes the Universe) feels that I am ready.
Now, my abstinence did suffer at this work conference. I did make some effort to stay on my food plan, but by the third buffet dinner I just caved. I could have made some calls or posted to my e-mail recovery list.
But I came back from the trip willing to go to the grocery store and stock up on the veggies and natural meats I need for my food plan. This morning, I got up early again and took a walk with my hub before work. If I get up tomorrow and exercise, that will make every day this week that I did some physical activity.
Next on my list: Get to a freaking MEETING!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
In which all is quiet on the western front
Denial is very sneaky. I convinced myself yesterday that a handful of potato chips eaten 1/2 hour after lunch was still a continuation of lunch (convinced isnt the right word. That implies some kind of effort undertaken for me to believe it -- which there wasn't. Rationalized maybe?). Then about an hour later when I was getting some ice tea, I saw some candy my hub had brought home from work, and since most of it was gone, I rationalized finishing it off. When my husband became hungry for dinner at a normal time, I wondered where the time had gone -- I had been updating my antivirus on my computer and the ridiculous process took about 3 - 4 hours. Boo says, "you're not hungry because you've been eating all afternoon!" I was very defensive and minimized what I had eaten. After all, the eating disorder scientists define a binge as 1,500 calories or more, and I probably had about 500 calories. Later that night, I realized this was denial. But I also realized something that an OA had said on an e-mail list I subscribe to... something to the effect of "We moved beyond the drama to a solution." So, today, I acknowledge that I overate. I do not get defensive. I acknowledge that the symptom of denial was manifest, making me think the snacks were harmless. Today, I move on. I go to a meeting, I talk to others, share my ups and downs, and commit to the next meal being abstinent.
There doesn't need to be histrionics, hand wringing or panic. Of course I overate; I am a compulsive overeater. What am I going to do today so that I don't step in that hole again?
There doesn't need to be histrionics, hand wringing or panic. Of course I overate; I am a compulsive overeater. What am I going to do today so that I don't step in that hole again?
Thursday, July 12, 2007
In which distorted thinking is examined
One of my three jobs is teaching a Library Science class at a nearby university. Every year, the students are able to submit course evaluations towards the end of the class. The instructor receives the results of those evaluations months and months later.
Monday, I received a printout of the evaluation responses from last spring's class. It had rows for the questions: 1 - 11. Just the numbers. It had columns for the answers: A-E. Just the letters. The sheet explaining what the questions were and how the rating scale was set up was not included. All of the responses I got, however, were D's and E's. I immediately assumed that the A thru E responses were like grades, with A being the highest and E being failing (i believe this campus uses E's instead of F's).
So, for about an hour on Monday I was kind of flipping out. I thought, "Dammit I work so hard on that class, this class seemed positive and responsive to my instruction style, I am *not* doing this again even if they ask me, which they won't because I got D's and E's..." etc.
I recognized what I was doing. I was immediatley going into "I suck" mode based on a guess of what the answers meant. I soon saw that I was getting ahead of myself --I needed to see the evaluation questions before I knew the characteristics of the evaluations; but I wasn't able to stop the monkey chatter in my head.
Program teaches me not to sit in an isolated pool of worry and self doubt. Instead, we are to reach out, ask for help, and extend help to others. I called my friend who works at the University who is also an OA. She is an administrator, but she knows the drill. She gave me feedback that those evaluation forms don't usually come back all unsatisfactory. They come back with responses either all over the map (polarized) or all consistently good or pretty good. Last summer when I taught, I got one of those polarized evaluations. When I was done venting, she shared some of the b.s. that she is dealing with in her life. I gave her my perspective. She too was in "i suck" mode. We were able to support each other and mollify each other's anxieties.
Asked for help? Check. Extended help to others? Check. HP speaking to me through my administrator friend? Check. HP showing me I am not a complete fuckup by being able to offer her advice as well? Check.
Finally, today, I received the questions. The answers were a scale with "A" being "Strongly Disagree" and "E" being "Strongly Agree" . The questiosn were all things you would want people to agree with, like: "Professor is consistently prepared for class." "Professor has command of the subject matter." So my students (granted, only 5 students), all either agreed or strongly agreed with positive comments about my instruction capabilities.
Today I ask HP to help me recognize my thinking that is a distorted self image manifesting itself, and run those distortions by others to gain outside perspective.
Monday, I received a printout of the evaluation responses from last spring's class. It had rows for the questions: 1 - 11. Just the numbers. It had columns for the answers: A-E. Just the letters. The sheet explaining what the questions were and how the rating scale was set up was not included. All of the responses I got, however, were D's and E's. I immediately assumed that the A thru E responses were like grades, with A being the highest and E being failing (i believe this campus uses E's instead of F's).
So, for about an hour on Monday I was kind of flipping out. I thought, "Dammit I work so hard on that class, this class seemed positive and responsive to my instruction style, I am *not* doing this again even if they ask me, which they won't because I got D's and E's..." etc.
I recognized what I was doing. I was immediatley going into "I suck" mode based on a guess of what the answers meant. I soon saw that I was getting ahead of myself --I needed to see the evaluation questions before I knew the characteristics of the evaluations; but I wasn't able to stop the monkey chatter in my head.
Program teaches me not to sit in an isolated pool of worry and self doubt. Instead, we are to reach out, ask for help, and extend help to others. I called my friend who works at the University who is also an OA. She is an administrator, but she knows the drill. She gave me feedback that those evaluation forms don't usually come back all unsatisfactory. They come back with responses either all over the map (polarized) or all consistently good or pretty good. Last summer when I taught, I got one of those polarized evaluations. When I was done venting, she shared some of the b.s. that she is dealing with in her life. I gave her my perspective. She too was in "i suck" mode. We were able to support each other and mollify each other's anxieties.
Asked for help? Check. Extended help to others? Check. HP speaking to me through my administrator friend? Check. HP showing me I am not a complete fuckup by being able to offer her advice as well? Check.
Finally, today, I received the questions. The answers were a scale with "A" being "Strongly Disagree" and "E" being "Strongly Agree" . The questiosn were all things you would want people to agree with, like: "Professor is consistently prepared for class." "Professor has command of the subject matter." So my students (granted, only 5 students), all either agreed or strongly agreed with positive comments about my instruction capabilities.
Today I ask HP to help me recognize my thinking that is a distorted self image manifesting itself, and run those distortions by others to gain outside perspective.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
In which preparations are made for the week ahead
Starting to feel a little bit better than I did even last week. I had salad stuff that I hadn't made a salad with in the fridge. I've been buying the stuff all along, and then letting it wilt or rot while I get crap food for lunch. Just not into making a salad. Anyway, we needed lunch today and we are poor this weekend (from doing alot of landscaping the past two weeks: bricks and pea gravel and mulch all adds up, and then we bought flowers and a solar powered windmill -- it looks better than it sounds)... so my hub didn't want to do our recent habit of getting paninis or subs for lunch. So, I made up my mind to use the salad stuff if it wasn't spoiled. It was still ok, so I made salad and then put lunch meat turkey and ham and cheddar over the top, like a chef salad. Lunch meat is not ideal for me because they put alot of non meat in that meat, but it was the first time I made a big salad in months and months. I made a balsamic-olive oil-dijon-herb dressing.
It felt good chopping all the veggies. It felt good whisking the oil and vinegar and mustard. It felt good lingering over the salad for lunch and my husband happily eating something healthy. It was a choice, not an obligation. Something I wanted to do.
Later, I was pooped, and had to go grocery shopping. I wanted to get a mani/pedi also. So i went to the cheapie nail salon in the same plaza as the grocery store. Man, they always try to upsell you on the gel or acrylic or tips. Mostly I just want my nails shaped and my cuticles trimmed. Anyway, it was relaxing in there, and when I went to the supermarket, I was happily filling my cart with fruits and veggies, and not begrudgingly doing it. I thought about getting one or two of those bag dinners to have in case i lose energy this week, but I realized my hub was going to light the grill tonight. We use charcoal, and the strategy is always to grill as much as humanly possible for as long as the coals last. We'll just reheat grilled meat all week. No muss, no fuss.
I had a dream last night about work, my old job, and about the boyfriend I had at that time. My subconscious was telling me what i suspected about that situaton was true (that the boyfriend may have been encouraged by my boss at the time to date me -- long story, don't ask). I felt relaxed this morning, like it doesn't matter what the facts are surrounding all the secrecy at my old job. I'm never really going to know for sure what was going on behind the scenes. My suspicions are good enough.
What matters is that I have leftover feelings of being not included, of being left out, of being disregarded. These feelings translate into all of my affairs with other people: my current jobs, my friendships, OA. That's my so-called character defect - a kind of low self esteem, self pity, non assertive kind of thing.
I saw that movie Evan Almighty last night, and Morgan Freeman, who played god was saying. God doesn't give you patience, he gives you opportunities to be patient. It may be totally stupid to use messages in a forgettable movie as a rationalization for behavior, but nonetheless, I am going to look for opportnities to be confident, take care of myself, and assert myself. We'll see how it goes.
It felt good chopping all the veggies. It felt good whisking the oil and vinegar and mustard. It felt good lingering over the salad for lunch and my husband happily eating something healthy. It was a choice, not an obligation. Something I wanted to do.
Later, I was pooped, and had to go grocery shopping. I wanted to get a mani/pedi also. So i went to the cheapie nail salon in the same plaza as the grocery store. Man, they always try to upsell you on the gel or acrylic or tips. Mostly I just want my nails shaped and my cuticles trimmed. Anyway, it was relaxing in there, and when I went to the supermarket, I was happily filling my cart with fruits and veggies, and not begrudgingly doing it. I thought about getting one or two of those bag dinners to have in case i lose energy this week, but I realized my hub was going to light the grill tonight. We use charcoal, and the strategy is always to grill as much as humanly possible for as long as the coals last. We'll just reheat grilled meat all week. No muss, no fuss.
I had a dream last night about work, my old job, and about the boyfriend I had at that time. My subconscious was telling me what i suspected about that situaton was true (that the boyfriend may have been encouraged by my boss at the time to date me -- long story, don't ask). I felt relaxed this morning, like it doesn't matter what the facts are surrounding all the secrecy at my old job. I'm never really going to know for sure what was going on behind the scenes. My suspicions are good enough.
What matters is that I have leftover feelings of being not included, of being left out, of being disregarded. These feelings translate into all of my affairs with other people: my current jobs, my friendships, OA. That's my so-called character defect - a kind of low self esteem, self pity, non assertive kind of thing.
I saw that movie Evan Almighty last night, and Morgan Freeman, who played god was saying. God doesn't give you patience, he gives you opportunities to be patient. It may be totally stupid to use messages in a forgettable movie as a rationalization for behavior, but nonetheless, I am going to look for opportnities to be confident, take care of myself, and assert myself. We'll see how it goes.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
In which things seem to be looking up
Hello, I am not sure what I am going to write today. When I first started blogging, I would put alot of thought into the posts and edit them and think of clever ways of phrasing; etc. I really took the writing part seriously. This new incarnation, I am just trying to write from the heart. I still worry a bit about grammar, but except for correcting some typos, what you see is basically my first pass at the post.
I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July. It rained all day here in upstate New York, so we skipped out on fireworks. We did have plans to get together for a meal with some neighbors. The wife is also in OA, and is maintaining a significant weight loss. Another couple, friends of the first couple, came as well. The wife of that couple does something like FA or OA HOW or some more stringent 12 step food recovery plan. So, when the barbecue came to the table there was a scale and measuring cups passed around along with the food.
I felt a bit out of place, because my ideal food plan requires me to *not* measure food. This is because before recovery, I had a compulsive behavior of measuring and counting calories, but using it as a justification to eat crap. Longtime readers will recall that my current dinner is to be this: 1/2 plate of vegetables, 1/4 plate lean protein and 1/4 plate whole grain carb.
This works very well for me, but I have been using the justification lately that Roseanne, the woman who started OA, defined abstinence as "three meals and nothing in between." I have been telling myself that the "three meals" can be anything as long as they are "moderate." For me this has proven to be a load of horse shit, as my "moderate" eating has caused me to gain 40 pounds.
Anyway, seeing my friends weigh and measure their whole foods made me a little bit more willing to do the divided plate thing once again. Both of them have long term success with their food plans. I *know* I feel better and have more energy when I eat whole foods and limit the processed crap. I *know* I am fuller when I eat a whole plate of healthy food than when I eat a bag of potato chips. I can do this, with the help of my friends in OA and my higher power.
I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July. It rained all day here in upstate New York, so we skipped out on fireworks. We did have plans to get together for a meal with some neighbors. The wife is also in OA, and is maintaining a significant weight loss. Another couple, friends of the first couple, came as well. The wife of that couple does something like FA or OA HOW or some more stringent 12 step food recovery plan. So, when the barbecue came to the table there was a scale and measuring cups passed around along with the food.
I felt a bit out of place, because my ideal food plan requires me to *not* measure food. This is because before recovery, I had a compulsive behavior of measuring and counting calories, but using it as a justification to eat crap. Longtime readers will recall that my current dinner is to be this: 1/2 plate of vegetables, 1/4 plate lean protein and 1/4 plate whole grain carb.
This works very well for me, but I have been using the justification lately that Roseanne, the woman who started OA, defined abstinence as "three meals and nothing in between." I have been telling myself that the "three meals" can be anything as long as they are "moderate." For me this has proven to be a load of horse shit, as my "moderate" eating has caused me to gain 40 pounds.
Anyway, seeing my friends weigh and measure their whole foods made me a little bit more willing to do the divided plate thing once again. Both of them have long term success with their food plans. I *know* I feel better and have more energy when I eat whole foods and limit the processed crap. I *know* I am fuller when I eat a whole plate of healthy food than when I eat a bag of potato chips. I can do this, with the help of my friends in OA and my higher power.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
In which our heroine wonders if anyone is out there?
I haven't posted in 6 months. It is really hard to believe it has been that long. I have been slowly going through the steps by my workbook, and i have just begun step12. That's the one where you reach out to others and share the benefits of the 12 steps. I was thinking that if someone reads my blog and decides OA is for them, that might be a form of step 12.
However, I feel I am not a good enough "poster child" for recovery. I have been a chronic relapser, and since July 2006, when I tried to go off my antidepressants, I have slowly gained 40 pounds. I was blaming depression, but I have been back on my meds since October.
Although my food is kind of in the crapper - and exercise is nonexistent, which I think is a big part of this gain-- I have not given up hope that working the 12 steps will help me recover not only physically but spiritually and mentally.
And I have seen tremendous spiritual recovery. It's the emotional and the physical that are struggling now. They feed on themselves, I was depressed so I didnt have energy to do a proper food plan and exercise, and lack of healthy food and exercise decreased my energy level and lowered my mood.
At this point I am going to check with my health provider to see if my meds need adjustment. I have the willingness to do the things I need to do, but I don't seem to have the follow-through to put the willingness into the ability to do what I need to do.
I am going to try not to make it a 6 month gap between now and next posting. Thanks so much for the encouraging comments back in January.
However, I feel I am not a good enough "poster child" for recovery. I have been a chronic relapser, and since July 2006, when I tried to go off my antidepressants, I have slowly gained 40 pounds. I was blaming depression, but I have been back on my meds since October.
Although my food is kind of in the crapper - and exercise is nonexistent, which I think is a big part of this gain-- I have not given up hope that working the 12 steps will help me recover not only physically but spiritually and mentally.
And I have seen tremendous spiritual recovery. It's the emotional and the physical that are struggling now. They feed on themselves, I was depressed so I didnt have energy to do a proper food plan and exercise, and lack of healthy food and exercise decreased my energy level and lowered my mood.
At this point I am going to check with my health provider to see if my meds need adjustment. I have the willingness to do the things I need to do, but I don't seem to have the follow-through to put the willingness into the ability to do what I need to do.
I am going to try not to make it a 6 month gap between now and next posting. Thanks so much for the encouraging comments back in January.
Friday, January 19, 2007
In which nothing much seems to happen
I am trying to get back into blogging, and yet I feel nothing significant has occurred for me to write about. I am supposed to be doing a 10th step review of every day. I had emailed my sponsor about it and asked for some guidance on how best to do that. But I haven't heard from my sponsor in several days. I know he has some child custody issues, and perhaps that is keeping him busy.
There are some things at my morning job I haven't been very good at turning over. I ate over them today. Bah.
I teach my class starting Monday. I am almost prepared, but I have to come in to work anyway on Saturday so I will shore everything up for Monday then.
I just feel like I am not moving forward. I guess the good thing is that I am not moving backward?
There are some things at my morning job I haven't been very good at turning over. I ate over them today. Bah.
I teach my class starting Monday. I am almost prepared, but I have to come in to work anyway on Saturday so I will shore everything up for Monday then.
I just feel like I am not moving forward. I guess the good thing is that I am not moving backward?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
In which there is an awakening and a moving forward.
I have finally finished my amends. I had an indirect amends to do to a bunch of people that I don't remember their last names or their name is so common i have no way of getting their contact information from the internet. I wrote out the amends on slips of paper, and then pulled each one out of a pocket, one at a time, said a prayer over the person and made amends in my heart, and then burnt the slip in a metal bowl. Outdoors. In the cold, and the wind. The next day, the ice storm came.
My sponsor tells me that one has a spiritual awakening after completing step 9. All I know is that in the middle of my amends I had the antidepressant fiasco, and a relapse. I have been getting back on track, but today two pairs of pants did not fit me. Now I may be retaining water which is why they don't fit all of a sudden, but when I was fitting into a size smaller last summer this is not heartening news.
I started emailing my food to my sponsor again. I think letting someone else (who knows what this disease is like) know of my food for the day keeps me accountable. My goal for the week is to make it to the gym the rest of the weekdays. I didnt go yesterday because of the ice storm, but I did go today.
My sponsor gave me something to read in the Big Book, and then I have to do some writing. I am asking to be willing tonight.
My sponsor tells me that one has a spiritual awakening after completing step 9. All I know is that in the middle of my amends I had the antidepressant fiasco, and a relapse. I have been getting back on track, but today two pairs of pants did not fit me. Now I may be retaining water which is why they don't fit all of a sudden, but when I was fitting into a size smaller last summer this is not heartening news.
I started emailing my food to my sponsor again. I think letting someone else (who knows what this disease is like) know of my food for the day keeps me accountable. My goal for the week is to make it to the gym the rest of the weekdays. I didnt go yesterday because of the ice storm, but I did go today.
My sponsor gave me something to read in the Big Book, and then I have to do some writing. I am asking to be willing tonight.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
In which some simple truths are revealed
One of my libraries focuses on health care resources. Very popular in the health care field right now is a thing called "evidence based medicine." What this term means, is that we can assume things work by testing them. If scientific results show the desired outcome, then we can assume, by the evidence, that the treatment is effective or not effective.
While I don't have large, scientific studies for my own behaviors, I can use my own evidence to show me what I should and should not be doing. When I ate on my food plan, exercised regularly, managed my stress and worked the steps, I lost 30 pounds. When I stopped taking my antidepressant, I was unable to eat on my food plan, wake up in the morning to exercise, or manage my stress. As a result, from July to October, I gained 15 pounds. Getting back on my anti-depressant has meant crawling out of this hole in my lifestyle -- it is more than just my weight, it is my entire well being that has suffered. Evidence based self care has shown me what I need to do to keep my life in balance.
Usually for the New Year, I try to set some goals, and review my goals from last year. I don't think I achieved any of my goals from last year -- they were things like, take nutritional supplements, publish a peer reviewed article, benchmarks for exercise, etc. I did make progress on all of those things, however.
The "Big Book" talks about people who make alot of resolutions, but no decisions. Here is what I have decided to do this year:
(1) Work the steps
(2) Excersise to the best of my ability
(3) Eat what my body tells me to eat
(4) Manage my stress through yoga and meditation
(5) Work on improving my relationships with other people
(6) Manage my finances responsibly
(7) Manage my professional tasks responsibly
I guess this can all be boiled down to:
I will do what I know works for me.
While I don't have large, scientific studies for my own behaviors, I can use my own evidence to show me what I should and should not be doing. When I ate on my food plan, exercised regularly, managed my stress and worked the steps, I lost 30 pounds. When I stopped taking my antidepressant, I was unable to eat on my food plan, wake up in the morning to exercise, or manage my stress. As a result, from July to October, I gained 15 pounds. Getting back on my anti-depressant has meant crawling out of this hole in my lifestyle -- it is more than just my weight, it is my entire well being that has suffered. Evidence based self care has shown me what I need to do to keep my life in balance.
Usually for the New Year, I try to set some goals, and review my goals from last year. I don't think I achieved any of my goals from last year -- they were things like, take nutritional supplements, publish a peer reviewed article, benchmarks for exercise, etc. I did make progress on all of those things, however.
The "Big Book" talks about people who make alot of resolutions, but no decisions. Here is what I have decided to do this year:
(1) Work the steps
(2) Excersise to the best of my ability
(3) Eat what my body tells me to eat
(4) Manage my stress through yoga and meditation
(5) Work on improving my relationships with other people
(6) Manage my finances responsibly
(7) Manage my professional tasks responsibly
I guess this can all be boiled down to:
I will do what I know works for me.
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